Some David Letterman Holiday Top 10s Revisited:
Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents
10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow... Q-Tips"
9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper
8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps
7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney
6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap Bastard"
5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home Shopping Network
4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford
3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam
2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed
1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"
Top Ten Least Rented Christmas Movies
10. "'Twas 243 Nights Before Christmas"
9. "Frosty, the Anatomically Correct Snowman"
8. "Deuce Bistletoe: Male Mistletoe"
7. "The Grinch Who Sold Christmas On Ebay"
6. "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"
5. "Yo Ho Ho! Dave Letterman's Rappin' Christmas"
4. Discovery Channel Presents: "Elf Autopsy"
3. "Let's See What Bing Crosby Looks Like Now!"
2. "Tiny Tim: Big Where It Counts"
1. "Yentl"
Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party
10. Santa hired for party arrives handcuffed to his parole officer
9. Eggnog tastes like Gatorade and wite-out
8. This year, it's your turn to be the pinata
7. Everyone's arrested for listening to illegally downloaded Bing Crosby CD
6. Instead of "The Night Before Christmas," boss recites employees' personal e-mails.
5. Party expenses are deducted from your 401K
4. It's held in August
3. The caterer: Chef Boy-ar-dee
2. Your boss insists on reading one of his lame top ten lists
1. Party consists of you, Bill Clinton, and a whole lot of mistletoe
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear The Morning After Your Office Christmas Party
10. "Man, you are one hairy son-of-a-bitch."
9. "I've never seen anyone drink so much Xerox toner."
8. "You've got messages from your wife, her lawyer, the ASPCA, and both Siegfried and Roy."
7. "Hey, dude, thanks for the kidney."
6. "Thanks to you, now I know I'm gay."
5. "Hey, dude, thanks for your other kidney."
4. "You should sue the hell out of whomever posted those photos on the web."
3. "Until you, no one had the guts to call Steinbrenner a bastard to his face."
2. "What time this morning did the paramedics dislodge the stapler?"
1. "Security! He's back!"
Top Ten Least Popular Holiday TV Specials
10. The Gingrich That Stole Christmas
9. Rush Limbaugh Eats a Reindeer
8. Bob Hope's Dizzy Dizzy Christmas
7. Frothy the Runny-Nosed Snow Monkey
6. Richard Simmons Sweatin' with Elves
5. Harvey Fierstein's Hanukkah on Fire Island
4. Van Damme Kick-Boxes Santa to Death
3. The Dave Letterman Christmas Spectacular
2. Joycelyn Elders' Mistletoe-For-One Special
1. Teddy the Red-Nosed Kennedy
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols
10. Elmo roasting on an open fire
9. Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance together with you
8. Every Christmas my uncle Louis throws up in the kitchen sink
7. I'm addicted to nasal decongestant
6. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order
5. May we see Richard Simmons, bite Santa's arm again
4. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably `cause we're all so full of gin
3. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents you are gay
2. Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison
1. Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Santa
10. All I want for Christmas is a handful of Vicodin
9. Maybe this Christmas, someone will give you a shirt that's not that ugly
8. What do you want for Christmas...Ah, I really don't care
7. Feel my beard -- It's 100% squirrel
6. My rabbi said I'm going to hell for wearing this
5. Ho...Ho...Ho (points to 3 old women)
4. I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping
3. Enjoy the last Christmas before we get nuked by the North Koreans
2. Hey handsome, meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes
1. For a hundred bucks, I'll let you unwrap me
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts
No comments:
Post a Comment