Chinese Paint Tops List Of This Year's Must-Have Holiday Gifts

Parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season's most sought-after item: a bucket of vivid, low-odor Chinese paint.

True Christmas Spirit

The nation’s poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold.


Report: Nation’s Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas

Finding Masculine Halloween Costumes For Your Effeminate Son

Anna Stephenson stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's already obvious homosexuality.

Coal Lobby Warns Wind Farms May Blow Earth Off Orbit

Panelists debate whether the U.S. is doing enough to heed the warnings of coal industry scientists who say turbines could blow the Earth right into the sun.




In The Know: Coal Lobby Warns Wind Farms May Blow Earth Off Orbit

Live Faster, Die Younger

The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.


Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger

Millions Irrationally Feared Dead

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.


Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

Nation Somehow Failed To Predict Attack By Michael Bay

The FBI says the warning signs that Bay would eventually carry out a terrorist attack were startlingly obvious in retrospect.

Green Lantern A Superhero We All Know And Love

Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.



"Green Lantern" A Superhero We All Know And Love, Says Studio