The Shade Is Melting

Hey I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but just in case you live someone right now where it's not ridiculously hot, here's our forecast:



And trust me on this, it ain't the heat... it's definitely the damn humidity. Add about 15 degrees to all those temps for heat index. I went to a baseball game last night and was just dripping sweat sitting still trying to drink a beer before it got warm (so, like within 2 minutes). It's hot.

In fact, it's sooooo hot...

I saw 2 trees fighting over a dog.

the National Weather Service has issued a fat guy in tank top warning.

the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts

hot water now comes out of both taps.

that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.

that I saw a dog chasing a rabbit...and both of them were walking.

I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.

I took a leak after mowing the lawn and all that came out was steam.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

I bought a life-size Dolly Parton doll for the shade.

Satan just bought a Summer condo here.

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the trees are whistling for the dogs.

that I went to the store to buy a dozen eggs, and by the time I got home I had twelve chicks in the bag.

you no longer associate bridges with water.

you eat jalepenos to cool your mouth off.

you can make instant sun tea.

mob informants look forward to getting dumped in the river.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

you get chilly when the temperature drops below 90

you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

I just drank a Popcicle.

R.I.P. Shakes, We Had a Good Run

I had to say goodbye to a good buddy of mine for the last 12 years last night.

Shakes was a good dog. I got him way back before Y2K hit, when he was such a little puppy I was afraid he couldn't even eat on his own yet. His real name was Shakespeare but it was easier to say Shakes and frankly I think he thought the long version was a little snooty for him. Plus his whole body literally shook when he was excited. The long version of his name was only used when he got in trouble after a while, which wasn't very often in the last 4 or 5 years. He'd gotten unhealthy a few years ago and this brutal Summer heat this year just got to be too much for him, it was obvious.

He may have been miserable towards the end but through the years we sure had a good time going to the lake, going for walks so he could piss on everything within 5 blocks (reading the "P-mail" I called it) and him just laying in the floor while I watched about 1,000 movies or more in his day.

It'll be strange here without him for awhile, like a void when I come home and don't see him hanging out by the back door, staring at me while I put my briefcase up so I can let him in to chill in the A/C all evening. I dropped a chip in the kitchen floor earlier and instantly I looked for him to scoop it up like he hadn't eaten in weeks, but he didn't come. He was a living, pooping Roomba. I'll have to sweep more now I guess.

He'll be missed, but we had a damn good run.

Mega Stupid

I had an interesting quick (unsolicited) conversation this morning at the service station as I was overpaying for gas. Actually, I pay at the pump and don't even remember the day when humans walked inside to pay for gas. But anyway, I had gotten my gas and decided that since the Mega Millions jackpot was over $100 mil, which I could use for a few things (like gas), that I'd buy me a ticket. A lucky ticket preferably. So I went inside and when it was my turn for the resident middle-easterner to wait on me...

Me: 1 quick pick Mega Millions ticket please.
Leather-skinned Lady behind me: You're throwing your money away on that stuff?
Me: Excuse me?
Leather Lady: That lotto garbage. Waste of money.
Me: Oh. I just like to get one so I can dream about winning I guess. Have a nice day. (smile... exit politely)

I listened as I was walking out and I hear her say to cashier "Give me 2 packs of Marlboro Lights."

So, as former president of my high school math club (I was dammit!) I was thinking all the way to work.

For $1, I now have a 1 in 175,711,538 chance of winning the jackpot ($105 mil currently). I have a 1 in 40 chance of just winning something. Hey, the odds aren't great or anything but it beats a kick in the face. And what can you really get for a buck anymore? A honeybun? A blowpop? Enough gas to start your car once?

But for her 2 packs at $5 a pop?

Lucky her. According to the CDC, about 90 percent of lung cancer deaths in men and almost 80 percent of lung cancer deaths in women are due to smoking. The American Cancer Society reports that each year almost half a million people die of lung cancer, meaning almost one of every five deaths is related to smoking. By comparison to other causes of death, cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined.

I like my odds better for a $1 ticket of dreams than her $10 investment in a potential lottery for a coughing, black death. Enjoy.

And for the record, I'd travel for the first year post winning.